Why Is This Skeleton Smiling?

It's autumn, a time when a girl's fancy turns to thoughts of fake blood, styrofoam tombstones and creeping, remote-controlled severed hands--the trappings of any self-respecting Halloween lover. It's also a time to start seeing those big Halloween super stores that sell this marvelous stuff pop up around town. Yesterday as I drove up to go to the PetSmart, a guy in a chicken suit, dancing madly out at the street, waved me over to such a place. When a giant dancing chicken beckons, you must obey.

Once inside, I was greeted by this smirking skeleton who looked like he wanted to tell me something. I figured out pretty quickly what that was: "Sucker!" I went in giddily looking for horror. I found it alright. But it wasn't in the form of rubber ghouls and floating ghosties and skull-embossed goblets to drink poisoned wine from. Nooooo. Oh no no no no.

The only horrible thing inside was what passed for costumes--and that was pretty much everything they carried. (Nary a cauldron nor rotting corpse in site; although they did have an aisle devoted to these big furry spiders. Lame.). Amid the inevitable pirate, pimp and sexy witch costumes was an an disproportionate number of what can only be called COCKstumes. I don't know what disturbs me more: the fact that there are people out there who think actually these are clever and who will BUY and WEAR them, or that they bring their little children to this store where they stare at these in slack-jawed wonderment.

Here. Have a look. You might need a barf bag.

This first costume will set you back $60, and for that, you get a wife beater undershirt, cheap boxers, and yes, a huge set of cojones that dangle in the vicinity of your knees. Seems like it would just be a lot cheaper just to use your own underwear, and, with a little coaxing, your own balls. But then it wouldn't be a costume. It can't BE real, it can only LOOK real. And cost $60.

This next costume is a bit pricer, but it's way more elaborate and you get to show off your entire store-bought Censored!

Now wouldn't you be the hit of your Halloween office party in this? Show off your "fun" side. All this time your co-workers thought you were a buttoned-up accountant. But hey hey hey, you're a hillbilly sheep molester at heart and your costume confirms it. (For the squeamish secretaries who object, you can just point out that the sheep was asking for it. Why else would she be wearing fishnet hose?) And the big plastic butt hanging out your longjohns? Just just icing on the cake.

You'd have to be careful with your (one-eyed?) snake while you were driving to the party. Imagine  having to be cut out of your mangled car, with your trouser snake all tangled up in the steering wheel, and the paramedics laughing their asses off. If the crash didn't kill you, embarrassment surely would.

This is a costume modeled on the "snakes in a peanut can" gag. An unsuspecting party-goer (a.k.a. a really stupid or really drunk girl) pulls back the curtain and BAM! A dick in the eye! Ha ha! Frankly, if this picture is an indication of size, I think the "Biggest Show on Earth" could be false advertising. Or maybe this is meant to be an ironic costume (not that anybody who wore it would know what that even means).

 I have so say, as dumb as these costumes are, this is the only one that truly disturbed me. This is a Humorous Adult Costume?? A priest with a pump-action St. Peter? Really? The only thing worse would be if they had altar boy costumes (they didn't, thank God. Maybe there is hope for us after all). Maybe we should introduce this asshole to the "Country Lovin'"Hillbilly. They'd make a nice couple.

If the costumes with the plastic weiners just don't cut it, you could just go whole-hog and BE one. This thing gives whole new meaning to the term dick head. You'd certainly have to be one to wear this thing.

Evidently, some guys have little more class and are not interested in showing off their fake naughty bits. This is not one of them. Some guys, however, do forego the guy stuff and go the giant Boob and Booty route (or "Boot and Booby" like the idiotic package says). The"Extremely Huge" callout, with the arrows pointing to what is extremely huge is helpful in case you can't figure out what is extremely huge.

Does this ass clown actually think ANY one would put their boobs in his face? Well, maybe the bozo with the Extremely Huge boobs might.

Look at this guy! Look at him! Only a creep like this would dress up in a lab coat embroidered with with "Seymour Bush, MD, Gynecologist." If this guy approached me at a party, I'd throw up on him and then roll him in the contents of as many ashtrays that I could find.

The gyno costumes seemed to be popular, as there were several to choose from. You could also be Dr. Feltersnatch if that name suited you more. But we can't leave out the ladies. Here's a stunning number for a pretend urologist:

Juana Hummer? Are you kidding me? What self-respecting wom--oh wait. Never mind. But if she really wanted to be scary, though, to inspire the same sense of fear and loathing among her male counterpartiers that they do in her and her bffs, she could call herself Dr. Juneeda Catheter.